Because no matter what Sam says they aren’t all good. Not even a little bit.

[lovemesomepie]

[He's on his own here. Cas had refused, Garth was no professional, there was no way in hell he was bringing Benny in on this, Bobby was dead, Dad was dead, his mom was dead -- everyone was dead and there was nothing he could do about it!

He knew his brother was broken, but he never imagined just how shattered Sam really was. Did Sam really think Dean hated him that much? That he would be unhappy in Heaven - of all places! - because Sam was there with him?

He wants to take Sam by the shoulders, but he's not sure if he'd shake his brother so hard hoping that he'd come to his senses or if he'd squeeze his brother tight and refuse to let go.

He feels hot tear tracks down his face but staunchly ignores them. Sam, his little brother, the only person in the world he'd do anything for - and he thinks he's less than worthless. Really it's the opposite. Sam always deserved more than this. It's Dean's job to make sure he knows it. It's Dean's job to take care of him.

His voice is still weak when he speaks, a whisper that cracks every few syllables in despair. He needs to make Sam see, but he's not sure he can do it. Not when Sam's this much of a shade of himself.]

"I'd never want that, Sammy," is all he manages to get past the heavy knot in his throat.

Comments

[hunter_returns]

[Of course Dean wants that. He doesn't want him, so the spell was the best option, right? That way Dean got to be free. No more Sammy the burden. Sammy who breaks everything he touches.

The only thing that got him through, that kept him from coming apart at the seams over the years (Jess, Dad, addiction, Hell) was the knowledge that Dean would always be there. His big brother. Always there to crack a joke, make him laugh, and more importantly, forgive him when he screwed up.

The text had sealed that. Proven to Sam that maybe that Dean didn't exist anymore. Or maybe he was done trying, he didn't know.]

But you'd be happy. I wouldn't.. you wouldn't have to pretend. I'd be gone.

[lovemesomepie]

Don't even - [joke about that. He knows it hadn't been a joke, but the fact that Sammy was actually considering that - he just - ]

Then where would I be, huh? I sold - I sold my soul for you, Sammy, and I'd do it again.

[His anger will come back later, he knows. It's rooted in despair. Sam had told him once, people don't just disappear - other people just stop looking for them. So why had his brother turned tail and left, not even raising a finger to look for him? Why is Sam the one so empty inside when it'd been Dean who'd been left behind?

But he doesn't have time for that right now, not faced with this self-destructive streak. And here he'd thought it only infected one Winchester - one who went by the name of Dean. One who felt good when he cut off the head of a Leviathan wearing a copy of his skin.]

How could you think that? You really think that I [he swallows hard] - that I hate you that much, that I'd let you suffer here forever?

[hunter_returns]

[The emptiness had started the moment Dick Roman blew up, stealing Dean. Stealing Cas. Leaving him wholly alone for the first time in his life. Sam had been afraid before. But he’d never been that terrified, standing in the middle of the room knowing that Dean was gone. Never coming back. So he ran. He ran because he didn’t know what else to do. Hunting had stolen everything and everyone that had ever meant anything to him.

When Dean was taken.. it was like something snapped inside.

Then Dean was back and on his ass. Constantly. Furious. Angry. And Sam knew that he had every right to be. So he took it. Every jibe, every angry shot. He took it all. He took it because he deserved the punishment.

He’d also hoped that one day, Dean would start to trust him again. He’d given him that trust. Let him try and handle things with Benny, even if he felt a wild stab of jealousy at the mention of the vampire’s name. The vampire Dean trusted more than him.

The text simply brought things home. Dean wanted him out of the way. He was just giving it to him on an eternal basis.] Maybe.. maybe you shouldn’t have. Maybe you should have just let me die.

Everything would have been better. With.. without me. You would have been better. You won’t be stuck with me this way. [He could have Benny. Lisa. Whoever he chose. Not the little brother he was saddled with.]

[lovemesomepie]

I'd be dead a hundred times over if it weren't for you. [That demon door to Hell wouldn't've been shut and he'd've been lost to Hell that much sooner. There'd be no stopping the Apocalypse if that had happened.] Hell, a life without you is a life I don't wanna live. Never have.

[He pauses, takes his head in his hands, tone growing louder again.]

Damnit, Sam, it was just one stupid text! [All because he'd known Sam wouldn't trust his judgment, wouldn't give Benny a chance. It's not a direct address - just angry at what the world decided to throw at them this time.]

[hunter_returns]

[Sam doesn’t flinch at his tone, his voice flat in reply, stating a simple fact rather than a rebuke.] It was a text to get me out of the way. Out of your way. [Which is where he’s always been, right? Since he was old enough to trail after his big brother with wide, worshipful eyes.] I’m just giving you what you want.

There’s something wrong with me. Always has been. [A darkness, a taint, whatever you wanted to call it. He corrupted and hurt everything he touched. So he’d do this for Dean, make the break for him.] Cas knew that. Hell, Dad knew that.

I'm an abomination. You.. you deserve better. Someone who won't keep screwing up. It'll be easier Dean.

[lovemesomepie]

Once, Sam. Just once. You don't - you don't get to tell me what I want.

[It's how tired, how done Sam sounds that horrifies him most of all. Any reaction is better than no reaction because at least a reaction means Sam cares, even if it's just enough care to hate. It's not fair that his brother gets to just check out of all this. Check out on Dean.

His voice is soft again. He's a whirlpool of emotions and can't decide which one's the strongest, each of them pulling him in different directions. But he needs to prove to his brother that he cares.]

You know what the djinn made me see? What wish it granted?

[hunter_returns]

[It was more than once, but Sam’s not about to start nitpicking. He’s been pushing at him since he got back from Purgatory. The spectre had only given Dean the freedom to say those things he never wanted to give voice to. What a disappointment he was. How Benny had been a better brother than he had.

That comment had cut the deepest, probably set him up for his inevitable spiral into depression.

Not that it matters.

Sam shakes his head.] No. You never told me what you saw.

[lovemesomepie]

[Dean looks his brother straight in the eyes as he speaks, hating the lack of recognition, the blankness.]

Mom never died. You got to grow up good, have that perfect apple-pie life me and Dad could never give you. Stanford law, engaged to Jess, the whole nine yards.

I was still a screwup - guess the djinn couldn't even fix that - [the telltale wry smile plays at his lips] - and you hated me. But you know what?

[He looks down at his hands now.]

It was okay. Better than okay, even. I didn't want to leave. Because you were happy.

[hunter_returns]

[That's enough to elicit a startled blink and Sam jerks in his grip.

Hate Dean? Hate him? They'd argued his entire life, but he'd never once hated his brother. Not once. He loved him. It was why he was giving him what he thought he wanted. Freedom.] Why.. why would I hate you?

[lovemesomepie]

You never hunted. Guess we didn't really have anything in common 'sides that.

[His laugh is a harsh, forced sound.]

Stole your ATM card, bailed on your graduation, hooked up with your prom date, stole Mom's silver. A drunk. Some brother I am.

[Dean shakes his head.] But damn, what I wouldn't give for that life to be real. I would never want you gone, Sammy.

[hunter_returns]

[But that Sam wasn't him. That Sam wasn't a screwup. Hadn't gotten addicted to demon blood, hadn't started the Apocalypse. Hadn't made one of a thousand terrible mistakes.

He hunches in on himself, and it's hard being his size, trying to make himself smaller.] That's not you. Not who you are.

[Sam finally raises his eyes to his brother. Pleading. Desperate. His voice is thick when he finally finds his voice again.] Then what do you want, Dean? Because I keep trying and it's never enough and I keep screwing up even when I think I'm doing it right I'm not.

You're closer to a vampire now. And I don't know how to fix it anymore.

[lovemesomepie]

[Finally. Finally! His brother will talk to him again. Will look at him again. Even the grief in his brother's voice is better than Sam wasting away in the Impala's passenger seat.]

I don't know either, man. [He's never had all the answers. But right now, having all the answers isn't that important, is it?]

I just - let's just be brothers again, okay? We're both as screwed up as screwed up gets. I wanna know that you'll be right there with me on crazy street. I know I've made mistakes, and I've gotta live with it. But at least I'll have you to live through it with.

I trust Benny with my life, Sam, yeah, that's true. Purgatory's a whole 'nother ballgame. But he's not you, Sammy. He's not you.

[hunter_returns]

[What do they do now? Sam's been wondering that for days, for weeks even. What is he supposed to do now? He had been so certain that Dean didn't want him, so certain that cutting himself off from the afterlife was the best..

Now despair was warring with hope.

Maybe Dean did still want him after all. Sam blinks slowly. He trusts Dean. It's something ingrained so deeply in his being that he can't do otherwise. Sam nods.]

Yeah. I'm with you. I'm here.

[Brothers. They could do that again. Simple. Them, the Impala and the road. Even a hunt, it didn't matter. As long as Dean wanted him there. It was the only thing that seemed to give his life any sense of normality any more.] Okay, Dean.

[lovemesomepie]

[Dean feels the telltale prickle at his eyes and scoops his brother into a tight bear hug, the kind only big brothers can give. No matter how much smaller than Sam Dean is, he'll always be able to manhandle his brother in this way.

It's not only about giving comfort; he's receiving it as well. Reassuring himself that his brother's here, not a shell of him - the whole of Sam. He tucks his chin against Sam's shoulder and squeezes his eyes shut just as tight as he holds Sam. A wheezy exhale leaks from his lips.

He's relieved. The moment doesn't require words. It's just Sam and Dean, Sam-and-Dean, same as it always has been and always will be.]

[hunter_returns]

[All of the air just falls out of Sam as Dean pulls him close. Only Dean can pull him into the sort of hug that makes him feel like he's five years old again. Protected. Looked after. That no matter what happens, he's always going to have his big brother around.

Choking on his own tears, Sam can't help but cling. He's not sure he's okay, he's not sure he ever will be. But if Dean still wants him around, that's enough of a reason to hang on, to try.]

'm sorry. God I'm so fuckin' sorry Dean.

[lovemesomepie]

Me too, Sammy. Me too.

[He misses the old days. They weren't perfect, not by a long shot, but their salad days had a simplicity that they hadn't had in a long while.

His tears make wet spots on Sam's layers as they slowly slide off his face one by one. Dean doesn't care. He swallows past the knot in his throat before speaking again.]

M'not gonna leave you this time. Not again.

[hunter_returns]

[So what if they were both in tears. They were due this. Owed. Sam lets the tears fall as he hangs on to Dean like the lifeline he always had been.] I can't do it alone again, Dean. Can't.

'm not strong enough. Never was.

[lovemesomepie]

Even if I were, Sammy - I wouldn't wanna be. [And he's not strong enough for that. History has proven it time and time again.] M'nothin' without you, little bro.

[He hangs on for a little while longer, not wanting to let go, almost in fear of the progress they've made collapsing if he looks away. Beginnings are always fragile.

But it's a start, and Dean's not going to let these embers of hope sizzle out. He rambles nonsense and shushing noises as he always has in moments like these, his voice soft and low in Sam's ear.

They've lost so much. Too much. But they've got each other.]

[hunter_returns]

[They've lost everything. And what had sent Sam spiraling into despair was the belief that he'd lost his brother, that he had nothing. So he clings, clings to his brother and clings to the faint hope that maybe this time they can do things right. Maybe they can find some way to get back to how things used to be.

How they should have been.

When he's finally got himself under control, and it takes awhile, Sam moves over to his computer and deletes the files.] No more spell. It's gone.

[lovemesomepie]

[Dean nods, once again relieved. No more spell - Sam'd stay with him, even when they were both dead.

No more spell, and no more shit for Sam.

They'd still have issues, no doubt, and things they're going to have to talk about, much as Dean hates chick-flick moments. But despite the problems they both have, there's forgiveness. That's the first step to mending this hole he'd ripped in Sam's heart and in his own as well.

The takeout Sam brought with him is forgotten in its bag on the floor, long gone cold. Dean leaves it where it is. He doesn't know how to say Sam's forgiven, but he knows how to show it.]

Let's go for a drive. Get somethin' to eat on the way out to the field a few miles back.